Ever stood in front of the microwave and forgot why you were standing there??


For that matter have you ever opened the fridge door and forgot why you opened it? I have, matter of fact I have closed the fridge door or left from in front of the microwave depending on which one I was doing; and then gone back to my bedroom or wherever I was prior to the microwave or fridge and then I will remember why I was at the microwave or why I had opened the fridge. At times like these I feel like a real idiot! However, the worst is when I am in the middle of something and get distracted and then end up doing something else only to be distracted again by the cat or my mom and start something else. Then later I will notice 2-3 things half done and have to finish them (hopefully before I get distracted again).

Past Examples of things I have left undone would be:

  • turning the washer on and forgetting to put detergent or, softener in and/or leaving the lid up
  • leaving the fridge door open
  • leaving the dishes half done
  • leaving drawers or cabinets open

By now I am sure you are thinking I must be a little senile. My mom says I remind her of an absent-minded professor; because I don’t see the forest for the trees. Unfortunately, I see and hear way to much. My mind just processes things different. You see I believe I have Asperger’s Autism. If you know anything about autism you know that we are overwhelmed a lot by our environment. Me, well I get distracted by all the input. I can be talking about something very serious then see a butterfly or a flower and then I am looking at the butterfly or smelling the flowers and the person I was talking to is left hanging. You have to be quite patient when you are around me.

Since I turned forty, (seven years ago) I also noted a decline in my memory. So, I have to write everything down now. Problem is when I lose where I put the piece of paper! Ha Ha! I try to keep my room organized and everything in its place so, this does not happen but, a lot of the time life or, pain gets in the way. I now have a Calendar that I write all my appointments and important things I have to do on. This helps a lot.

Even with all the bad there are still some good things I have gotten from having autism. I have a heightened sense of smell that tells me when the litter box needs changed, when food is done, and when I need to bathe. I enjoy flowers and outdoors more because of my sense of smell. I also have a strong sense of textures. This can be good and bad. Especially with food, I cannot stand certain food textures. However, I love soft fur,  clothes and blankets. No wool for me or anything that is scratchy. Which also means there are no tags on any of my clothes.

Now you know you are not alone when it comes to being forgetful or needing everything to be in a certain order!

Advertisements

Elizabeth Marie


Auburn hair and amber eyes…

A smile to fill you with the sun…

A warmth and brightness to her soul…

A sense of adventure and great strength…

Warm hands that create…

Such beauty, such art…

A loving heart in all things…

Elizabeth Marie…

Please bring her back to me

Safe and sound…

heart filled thoughts and hopes abound…

Bittersweet 2013


Bittersweet memories of 2013

1. In 2013 my sweet cat Tigger died at the age of 15.

002

09/1998 to 07/01/2013  My sweet tigger may he rest in peace!

2. A Kitten named Sammy (AKA the Tasmanian Devil) came into my life.

057Sammy the Tasmanian Devil 🙂

3. My second niece arrived Allison Frances.

21152_4818237940781_687077075_n

Allison Frances 05/18/2013

4. My first grandchild was born. (she’s the one on the right. Haha)

Jimmy and Devlin

Devlin Frances and my son Jimmy

5. My mom was hospitalized with heart and lung issues in November. We (my sister and I) found out my mom needs to have aortic valve replacement surgery when her lungs are strong enough. 😦 Shes better now but, the cardiologist says she is a ticking time bomb because of the valve being bad. Update: Mom had her valve replacement 04/2014.

.016

Mom with her dog Missy on Christmas eve.

6. I lost 45 pounds (Yeah!)

016

Before 12/2012 (Ick what a terrible look!)

011

During 08/2013

004

After 12/2013 I Plan to lose another 50 pounds in 2014 (I am praying)

7. A little birdy told me grandchild number 2 may be on the way in 2014! It is supposed to be a secret so no pics. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone! lol.

In conclusion, 2013 brought good, bad and downright frightening times; but we persevered and made it through another year!

Spaghetti and Meatballs with a Side of Applesauce


Chef Boyardee to the Rescue!

Chef Boyardee to the Rescue! (Photo credit: Joe Plocki (turbojoe))

Spaghetti and Meatballs with a Side of Applesauce

Lately, I have not been blogging as much. This is mainly because I have been kind of down in the dumps, wanting to tear my hair out over our financial situation, and my inability to do very much! My mind is all like let’s go and my body is like let’s not! Which can be very frustrating to say the least. So I obsess about coupons. Coupon’s here coupon’s there, coupon’s everywhere! Since money is so tight I am like I must find the best coupon’s and the best sales to get what we need for the very least amount of money. Since , I have to keep the budget less than $100 a month for food, personal care products, paper products, computer ink and everything else. I must, I must strive to save, save, save so I can have money for the bills, gas and entertainment (Ha! what entertainment, this is it typing on the computer or surfing the web for coupons). Luckily I got a box of printer paper for Christmas.

Well enough of that! Time to stick my chin up (with duct tape if necessary) and get out of the muley grubs! I have loads of things to be happy for!  For instance, I just found out I got approved for food stamps and I will be getting a whopping $16 a month. So, there that’s $116 for food and all the rest! And there’s the fact I have a roof over my head, and all the utilities are on and I have a car.  I may not be able to drive it without gas but,  hey I have a good working mind maybe I can invent a new way to make gas or figure out a way to turn my little Yaris into a solar car. Hey you never know.

Then there’s the crown jewel of happiness! The one food I used to love as a kid and still do for that matter. Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatball’s are only $.89 a can at Target.  That’s a  meal in a can. Plus add a vegetable or wait maybe not on the commercials lately they have been hinting that there are vegetables in every can so there you are one meal for $0.89. But wait $0.89 x 30 days = $26.70+ tax, wow that’s a big chunk out of the budget for one meal a day! Plus I usually have some applesauce for desert!  I wonder if PB & J would be cheaper?? But then  theirs the bread, jelly and peanut butter and you would have to have chips or something with it. 😦

Oh dear,  I better find some  more coupons! 😦

How are you? Has the weather got you down? Are the bill collector’s knocking on your door? What do you think?

English: crisis comes and goes, debt remains

English: crisis comes and goes, debt remains (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Care-A-Lot: Make some time today to care a lot about your loved ones


Care-A-Lot

Care a lot…

Sing a lot…

Say I love you at least once a day…

Take time to smile…

Make time to have fun…

Hugs and kisses aplenty…

Reassurance when times are bleak…

Time for yourself and each other…

Help one another…

Believe…

Loving pats…

Little chats…

Reality one moment at a time…

Aim to please…

Set aside some time each day…

And find away to care-a-lot…

Now a days when times are tight and divorce seems inevitable it is important to find some time to care so each relationship you have thrives.

4th. of July


Found this poem I wrote in 1996 thought it was fitting for today.

4th of July 

4th of July…

Independence Day…

Freedom…

Bells ring…

4th of July…

Apple pie…

Bright blue skies…

Fireworks…

4th of July…

celebrate…

Sounds reverberate…

The soldiers who’ve died…

The tears that we’ve cried…

4th of July…

A time of thanks…

Were free…

Thank God were alive…

The Loss of Innocence


The Loss of Innocence

When I was five years old, I lived with my mother, Jxx (my mom’s boyfriend) and grandpa & grandma in a large one-story white house. I had my own room. It was painted sky blue and had bookshelves with a bench underneath on the south side of the room. My bed was positioned in front of the window so I could look out of it.

My bedtime was always 8:00 p.m.  In the summer, I would sit on my bed and look out of my window at my grandma’s garden and to the woods beyond. I especially liked to listen to the crickets sing their lullabies and watch the fireflies flit here and there with their glowing yellow tails.

After everyone was asleep, I used to creep out of my room into the dining room. Once there, I would play with my shadow friends. I even had names for them. My grandma’s corner shelf was named Emma. Her sewing machine, Jennifer and grandpa’s desk was Fred. Every night I would talk to my friends. Then I would dance for them. Sometimes I would dance all night. Other times mama would catch me and send me back to bed. When I danced, I was a fairy princess. I would twirl and twirl around in my socked feet till I slid to the floor with dizziness to the thundering applause of my shadow friends.

One night after an especially happy and busy day of chasing kittens, helping grandma pull weeds in her garden, and running around trying to catch butterflies, I fell asleep before the grownups did. Later a strange voice woke me. I opened my eyes all the while lying very still, to find two big, hairy hands on each side of my pillow coming from just above my head. Then I felt a moist and foul-smelling breath against my right cheek. It was a man’s voice filled with rage. “Your grandmother is a whore,” the man whispered evilly.

I lay on my bed trembling with fear, too afraid to move. I prayed someone would come and save me. Then the voice said. “Soon, I will kill that whoring bitch then I will come after you. Don’t think you can run from me. I am always watching and no one not even GOD can protect you! One day when you least expect it I will come for you and hurt you like whoring little bitches are supposed to be hurt!” At last my fear invoked paralysis broke and I sprang from my bed. As I frantically ran from my room, I took one last glance back to see the hands disappear and two glowing red eyes staring back at me. I started screaming.

Grandma found me on the hallway floor crying hysterically, “Stacey, my God, child, what on earth is the matter?”

“A-A m-man,” I stuttered pointing toward my room.

Mama came rushing towards us. “Whats going on? She asked concerned.

“M-Man my w-window,” I stammered, clinging to grandma. We all went to look, but there was no sign of anyone ever having been there, even the screen was back on.

“You must have just had a bad dream, Honey,” mama said tiredly.

“I didn’t dream it! There was a man at my window. He said he was going to kill me and grandma,” I said. “I am not sleeping in my room ever again,” I wailed, burying my head in  grandma’s stomach. Grandma told me I could sleep with her & Grandpa so, I slept all night enveloped in grandmas arms. When I woke to go to the bathroom, I woke grandma up too, so she could go with me. When we got back in bed, grandma whispered, “I believe you.”

The next morning after breakfast, grandma told all of us to come outside, she had something to show us.  Grandma led mama, Jxx, and me around the side of the house to where my bedroom window was. There, in the mud, were two sets of large foot prints, one set leading towards my window from the woods and the other leading away from my window across grandma’s garden and finally into the woods on the other side. I fainted.

Sometime later I woke up to hear mama talking to her boyfriend Jxx.

“Those footprints prove that someone was really at her window. Maybe I need to take her to the doctor, mom said she wet the bed last night and she has changed overnight. Maybe this man did more than just…”

“Stop right there, you believe that brat?” “If you ask me, you spend too much time worrying about the kid.” “What she needs is a good spanking with my belt!” Jxx said.

The word “spanking” perked up my ears, and I ran into the other room. “Mama, I don’t need a spanking. I’m a good girl! I said tearfully.  “I won’t potty in my pants no more I promise!”

“I am not going to spank you. Mama is just concerned about you,” Mama said.

“Now get your ass outside and leave me and your mom alone!” Jxx yelled.

I quickly ran outside, but not before I heard mama say, “Jxx you are not to talk to her that way you hear me! She is just a child.”

That’s your problem, Sxxxxx, you treat her like a baby so, she acts like one!” He yelled.

I ran out in the garden to find grandma bent over pulling weeds, sweat beading on her forehead.

“Grandma, Jxx is trying to get mama to spank me, and mama said she wanted to take me to the doctors, cause she said she I not acting right, cause I went potty in my pants.” I started crying again. “I sorry about being a bad girl,” I sobbed.

Grandma put her arms around me. “Don’t worry sweety everything will be okay.”

At 8:00 p.m., as usual I went to bed, but mama was right; I had changed. I never again got up in the night to play with my shadow friends, nor did I ever dance for them again. I never sat on my bed and listened to the crickets or watched fireflies anymore. My window remained down with the curtain and shade closed. Grandma woke me up every night for several weeks to go to the bathroom till I finally got up on my own. A lot of nights I would find myself curled up in my grandma’s bed with no idea how I got there. I still had nightmares, and I was no longer the bubbling, smiling little girl I once was. I was extremely withdrawn in school so much so that I almost failed kindergarten because the teacher thought I was mentally retarded. It was only with my mom’s intervention that I was allowed to go on to 1st grade.

Over the years I locked that memory of that man away. The dreams continued, but they had changed. Now I was being chased by someone whose face I could never see. One day when I was 31 years old and working at a nursing home as a nurse, I was passing medications when I happened to notice the exit sign at the end of the hall. Two glowing eyes stared at me. My pulse began to race. The floor started spinning, and I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I remember was I was at home, undressing, my shift over.

I started seeing a psychologist for depression and I told her about the incident along with similar episodes. Through psychotherapy I have been able to completely regain the memory of that fateful night so long ago. I also found out that I had a dissociative disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome. Basically whenever I was stressed I would lose time because another personality would take control of my mind. With the help of extensive psychotherapy I have come a long ways in over 14 years. All three of my personalities have met and integrated. However, they never told me that sometimes very strong personalities will appear to integrate and instead hide out. Or in my case integrate with the ability to split again. I found that out in 2011 when I was working the night shift at an assisted living facility. Just working nights messed with my ability to cope and I started becoming more & more stressed over my inability to cope; then I started losing time again I making terrible decisions. Finally to the point of losing my job!

I have finally let go of the fear of this man who traumatized me. Though I do not know for certain and perhaps I never will, I suspect the man at the window was none other than my mom’s old boyfriend Jim. Because he physically abused me as a child while my mom was at work, shoving my grandma out-of-the-way when she tried to stop him.

Although some of  my innocence was lost that day I forgive him. To not forgive would hold me a prisoner of that day.

Stacey