The view out my window


The View Out my Window

The view out my window is anything but pleasant…

A sad tribute to Kansas City’s urban blight…

Ever reminiscent of our neighborhood despair…

Not quite what comes to mind when one seeks to relax…

Yet despite the calls and urgent requests…

Not a care do they express…

The view out my window each day gets easier to just ignore…

At least the view is not at my back door…

Update: This is the view out my window now:

022

The house burnt down and the lot sits neglected!

Update lot sold and is being maintained  very well! 1/18/2016

2012 Living with Chronic Pain Part II


The worst part of living with chronic pain is never being without pain. Pain is my ever faithful companion. At its worst it is like a white-hot pain that envelopes your whole being preventing you from focusing and keeping you from letting others near. Right now my most persistent pain is coming from the middle of my back, right hip and leg. Then lately my stomach and liver have been putting their two cents in making the pain even worse.

For those without pain I imagine it is difficult to fathom how chronic pain can consume your whole life.  Imagine someone putting their fist in the middle of your back and pushing till you are nauseated from the pain,  then imagine you have  a gorilla sitting on your shoulders making you feel like your spine is being condensed like an accordion when its closed. Now further imagine that there is nothing you can do or say to stop the pain they are causing. Changing positions, sitting, standing, stretching, walking, exercising or, lying down, nothing helps. This is what I feel like right now. Which is why I will be blogging once today.

I am not on pain patches, or morphine. I am allowed to take Ultram four times a day.  My pain right now is an 8. I have an appointment 07/17/12 just to see a general practitioner who will have refer me to a pain clinic. It is going to be a long hot, and painful summer. Hope anyone else who is in pain has better luck and better pain control. Any hints are welcome. So far I use aspercream rub it works the best for me out of all the pain relief creams; in addition to the before mentioned medications.

 

HOPE YOUR LIFE IS FILLED WITH FAITH AND IS PAIN FREE

Living with Chronic pain I


Living with chronic pain can make the simplest things seem insurmountable. I have lived with pain for over 30 years. My first memory of recurring pain was in fifth grade when I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had, my eyes were red and puffy and my sinus hurt terribly, not realizing my sinus pain and pressure was going to get worse I went to school and spent most of it in the nursing office with a wet cloth over my eyes and sinus. This sinus issue lasted three days then I was fine. But from then on I suffered from minor HA’s which evolved into full-fledge migraines in my late teens to early twenties. When I was 12 I started to have severe monthly pain lasting for 1-3 days every time I would menstruate. I used to tell people it felt like someone was wringing out my uterus and vaginal area. When I was around 14 or 15 I started experiencing back pain so much so that I had my little sister walk on my back. (probably not a good idea in hind-site) The back pain would come and go.

When I was 18 I had my first child Elizabeth. The nurses said my periods should not be as painful since I had given birth. They were wrong (My period pain was more severe than before and lasted from 2-4 days) Carrying my daughter around caused my back pain to become more severe. It was during this time I was introduced to a chiropractor friend of the kids dad who would adjust our back weekly. After I had my daughter I also started having leg cramps and heart palpitations and chest pain. I have a heart murmur so the cardiologist checked out the reason for the heart murmur and decided it was just a sound of no consequence, and the heart palpitations and chest pain were put off as gas.

I was 16 when I first started having difficulty getting up in the am feeling kind of achy. I am forty-five now and wish I could trade my morning troubles for back then. By nature I am an afternoon /evening type individual. If I have to get up early it adds about an hour-or two to my already painful get-up ritual. It takes me and hour to get up out of bed and get my barring and another hour to get dressed and ready to go someplace. If I am staying home it is easier because my own biological clock will wake me up and pain won’t be as bad hopefully (but this is not always the case). What helps me to be able to get out of bed with less pain and discomfort is taking my medicine 1-1/2 -2 hours before getting up. When I used to work I would have to get up at 6:30am and it would take me till 10am to get ready and out of the house because of the severity of pain I was in. I tried working nights several times but it really throws off my mental balance and I start hallucinating, making rash decision, making lots of mistakes.

In 1997 I was working the night shift in a locked Alzheimer’s unit and I had a psychotic break and disassociated for a large portion of my shift.  I believe that I got roughed up by some of the patients and I also hurt my back, neck, shoulders, and hips from the tremendous amount of back-breaking work I was supposed to do. Strips beds and remake them. Give baths to 15 of the 17 patients on the unit. A lot of lifting and bending .  By the time my shift was over I was a mess the ward was a mess and I was practically catatonic. Ended up being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, arthritis, neck strain, bilateral shoulder strains, and back pain.

Because of the above trauma I developed PTSD, DID, Depression increased, and anxiety. It was during this time that I picked up 90lbs of fat on my frame. In 2001 I was first diagnosed with diabetes II diet controlled. Since 2006 I have been taking metformin and since 2010 I started having giving myself a nightly shot of lantus.

In 1995, 2001, and 2008 I was in involved in MVA where my previous injuries were exasperated. By my last accident in 2008 my back had developed several small bulging disks and a herniated disk as well as osteoarthritis of my hips and knees.

The only thing that has kept me going thru all this has been my faith in Jesus Christ, GOD and christian radio, and my affectionate and my faithful companion Tigger and my mom and sister and my kids.

Yesterday


Once I was young and innocent…

Then you came my way…

You knew what to say…

You knew how to play…

I became pregnant with your child…

Your words so convincing said “Everything will be alright”…

I was too young to know it was all for show…

I married you…

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The years past…

So did my innocence…

Gone is the child of yesterday…

In her place a scared adult…

I guess the end result…

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Now theres three children…

You should have been happy, but you were not…

You were mad… full of hate…

It is really sad…

Our hearts are breaking…

But the children and I are the only ones aching…

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Yesterday is gone…

And so is the child I was before…

No innocence…

I bare the scars…

Yet your not behind bars…

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You smile you play…

I see you still know how to play the game…

Your still the same…

Guess you will never change…

Yesterday…

 

 

Little Mary’s Nigthly Dance


Shawdows dance across the floor as day becomes night….

Mama and Grandma fall fast alseep…

Little Mary rises from her bed…

Moonlight lights upon the floor…

Little Mary dances as she has done so many times before…

Twirling and twirling…

Gliding and gliding…

She dances across the dining room floor…

Not a sound does she make as the music plays on in her ears…

Over and over Mary dances again…

Twirling and gliding till the night has gone…

Sunrise comes and little Mary falls down…

Fast asleep upon her bed…

Asperger’s and Me


Asperger’s and Me

I was born in September of 1966. Back in those days people had no clue what Asperger’s was. If you were dysfunctional or acted strange you were put in an institution. I have to give my mom a lot of credit because she never did that to me. When I flunked kindergarten my mom convinced the teacher to pass me. My mom and grandmother thought it was because I  four years old when I started kindergarten not turning five till the end of September. The truth of the matter was it was too overwhelming to me. Too much noise, the lights were too bright and I did not want anything to do with a nap. Plus how could I sleep with all the distractions and noise. I was usually either very quiet or I acted strangely. I just remember having no social skills and being extremely shy. It wasn’t that I was dumb I could read a newspaper out loud to my grandmother and I knew my colors but it took me till I was in fifth grade to learn the alphabet. It took me to my senior year of highschool to get good at mimicking the behavior of others and learning to maintain eye contact. I think the eye contact was the hardest to learn and I still struggle with it from time to time.

In first, second, third, and fourth grade I had sessions with counselors/tutors sometimes once a week sometimes twice a day. During some of these sessions I was to play with the toys on the table and the counselor would watch me in 4th grade the counselor visits were eliminated when I went to the first visit that year and looked at the counselor and said you want me to play with the toys so you can watch me and see if I play like a normal kid, right? The counselor visits slowed way down and eventually tapered off after that. I still had tutor visits though until the middle of fifth grade.

My difficulty in school was always  related to how I related to things or how I interacted with other children. For the most part I found other children mean. I went through a lot of bullying too, which made k-6 years almost unbearable.  By high school I learned to fairly mimic other kids and how they socialized so, I did much better.

When I look back on my life and then think about my life now I realize I still suffer from a lot of  Asperger’s related issues.

1. Hypersensitivity to noise (in high school this diminished now it is back with a vengeance) I like quiet and low light, it bothers me if it is too bright outside. I also hate crowds and having people other than family & maybe a friend. Though I don’t socialize with friends anymore.

2. hypersensitivity to sensations: if I am hot I am extremely hot to the point of getting very fidgety, if I am cold I am freezing. I cannot nor have I ever been able to tolerate tags in my clothes and clothes have to be washed sometimes three times before they are comfortable to me. Certain smells bother me and there are certain foods I cannot eat because of the texture and the texture I can’t tolerate can change on me.

3. Routine I need a least two or three days to prepare myself for changes and when I work I must have a certain routine to keep my stress level down. I also have to have a certain amount of down time  between being at work and not being at work or I panic. After about four hours I start panicking and having anxiety attacks.

4. Obsessions: I get obsessed easily for instance I watched extreme couponing once and ended up getting a notebook, and dividers and I would go to the recycling centers and collect all the coupons and that’s all I would do from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. The same with scrapbooking. Its like I go through these extreme phases where I eat , breathe and sleep whatever I am obsessed with at the time.

5. Poor social skills: though my social skills have gotten better and I have learned to recognize some facial expressions I still will ask someone if they are mad at me because I read their facial expression wrong. This drives my mom crazy at times. Used to drive my best friend crazy and the people I was in a relationship with because I always thought they were mad at me or something was wrong with them when there was nothing wrong. In-addition I tend to talk before I think and I tend to tell everyone my life story even if I just met them.  I also tend to answer a question literally I have no buffers. For instance one of the things that got me into trouble at my last job was because I had an elderly client ask me what the scar on my left forearm was from. Instead of making up something or hedging the question I blurted out that it was from when I had tried to commit suicide 20 years ago. This caused the patient to request another nurse because she was afraid I would get upset and try to commit suicide in her house.

There are other symptoms but it is getting late and I am tired.

Welcome to my world


Once again I find myself unemployed and struggling just to survive! Thankfully I live with my mom or most certainly I would be on the street! There are several ironic things about the situation I find myself in. First off I have a BA in Healthcare Administration, a KS and MO LPN license and a medical coding and billing certificate. Having all this should make finding a job quite easy. Which it would be for a normal person. When you lose jobs as quickly as I do after a while you run out of places to work.

To simplify I seem to get jobs quite easily it is just that I don’t seem to be able to keep them very well. The longest job I have ever had was two years, but it was for a nursing agency and I only worked two days a week normally. The longest FT job I have had has been one year. I have spent a lot of time thinking on this subject and trying to figure out exactly what is so wrong with me that I cannot seem to keep a job.

I have come to the conclusion that the reasoning is complex and there is no short answer. Take the last job I had for just shy of six months as a home care nurse for a well-known home care company. I was complimented numerous times for my computer documentation and my paperwork. The downside which I thought I hid well was the toll the job was taking on my body.  (I have arthritis, fibromyalgia, extreme pain issues, diabetes, as well as a long list of other physical health issues.) The job turned out to be a lot more physical then I realized, which caused a back injury in which I was off for over 8 weeks, and other physical issues that caused me to be close to the limit on missed days at work. Every place and time I have ever worked I have had trouble maintaining good attendance due to my physical and mental disabilities.

Then on the very day I came back from being off for over 8 weeks for a back injury, I get called into the office and am told that I have been getting a lot of complaints from patients because I am either too slow or act like I don’t have any confidence. Oh and there were a couple of other complaints relating to the fact that I tend to be an open book and tend to talk before I think. Well long story short a few days later I was pulled back into the office my schedule cleared for the day. I knew when I went this could not be good news and it wasn’t  I was fired. I was told it just wasn’t a good fit. Of course I was pretty beat up about it but it has caused me to re-evaluate my life and I finally settled upon a reason for my failure at keeping a job and I have through research and thru participating in research studies and testing come upon a reason for my struggle at keeping a job and for my struggles growing up.

I have Aspergers Autism. In 2008 I was taking care of an autistic child twice a week who has a sister who has Aspergers. The mom of both girls gave me reading material on both Autism and Aspergers syndrome. It was then that I began to notice the similarities between myself growing up and how I  interact with the world  with the stories of other kids and adults who have Aspergers syndrome.

I tried to tell my mom about the fact I may have Aspergers syndrome and how the difficulties they had were almost identical to the ones I had. My mom however shrugged it off and said I needed to stop thinking about such things and keep working on getting more work. At the time I thought ok it doesn’t matter anyways.

Now I know that’s not true. Trying to be normal & acting normal is very hard for me because 1. I am not normal I don’t think like other people do, I have trouble reading people’s emotions, and trying to act appropriately. 2. I have a lot of physical pain and anxiety related disorders that affect my work & cause a lot of problems and stress.

Thanks for listening!