Gods Not Dead He’s Very Alive!


Gods Alive and with us always! We are so full of the world that we cannot hear him at times. It is important we listen to him. He gives nudges, feelings, goosebumps and much more to let us know he is around & what he wants for us. But, the worlds so loud its hard to hear. The most important thing to remember and believe with all your heart is that God loves you as if you were his only child he loves us all that way. No matter what we have or have not done God loves us. Next and actually the most important is that God allowed his only son to be beaten, humiliated, tortured and finally nailed to a cross for our sins. Everyone’s sins. God knew the old laws and commandments were impossible for his people to achieve. So, he sacrificed his son so that we may be under Grace and have everlasting life. No longer are we under the old laws and all we have to do is repent now to be forgiven. Jesus is the key to God the Only key. Jesus is who will stand up on judgement day while we stand there waiting to be judged and answers God when he says who atones for this sinner and Jesus says “I DO!” Don’t let your chance go by, get to know Jesus and God so that when God says who speaks for this sinner; Jesus does not say I’m sorry I don’t know this person!

My Journey Back to God


As far back as I can remember I always thought I was a Christian. In my early years till around 5 or 6 my Grandmother took me to a Baptist church. Then I didn’t go to church again till I was able to go by myself (age 12) and then only sporadically.

When I got married I wanted to take the kids to church but, their Dad was venomously against the idea. So, unfortunately I didn’t get back into church until I was divorced in 1992. Then only once in a while. I don’t like crowds so that was a big factor for me. Another faucet of not going was the churches’ I went to.

Some seemed awesome, great music, great activities, and great fellowship. Well at least until the pastor started saying that their church was better than another or the Methodist were going to hell or the Baptist or whatever church was on the hit list that day. Or the congregation was more interested in gossip than helping or loving people.

See that’s what religion means to me! If a church, congregation or, a so, called godly person is being judgmental or condemning  others to hell just because of a few differences in the doctrine well that’s what I call religion. To me religion equals backstabbing, rebellion, judgement and anything else that causes people to stray from God. Religion killed Jesus. He was killed because the religious zealots of the time refused to see what was right in front of them.

So, you can tell I am not fond of religion. It is also what has led me completely away from the church. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying churches are all bad or, even the majority of them. It’s just for me coupled with the fact I don’t like crowds it’s not right at least not at the moment.

Anyways, back to my point I have always thought of myself as a Christian and right with God but, I had things a bit wrong; ok maybe a lot wrong. It all started when I read the book “The DE Vinci Code” That book really confused my beliefs. And I think that book was intended to do just that, confuse the issue.

Of course, in addition to my confusion I had this false belief. I believed that in addition to believing in God and Jesus; you had to do enough good works to get yourselves into Heaven. Which is way off base by the way. It says in the bible and I am paraphrasing here, that you cannot get into Heaven by doing good works, and that God made it that way so, we wouldn’t boast amongst ourselves as to who did the most good deeds.

Well, I finally realized that about two years ago when I happened to read the above mentioned verse in the bible and finally really understand what the passage meant. I also went on to learn that the way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ. I have to tell you it was a big lift off my shoulder’s when I learned that.

It’s so much easier in the long run to lay your burdens down and just let God take them. To let go and cry out to Jesus that you want him in your life. That you believe he died for your sins as well as everyone else’s, and that you believe  Jesus exists and then you ask Jesus for forgiveness for your sins. That’s really all there is too it but, it sure took me a long time to realize that my being scared to die or uncertainty about things; was Gods way of telling me I needed Jesus in my life.

Now, I don’t fear death because I am going to Heaven to be with God and Jesus when I die. I am a lot less worried about how things will turn out because I know God is looking out for me. I have a lot less anger now that I have let go of my past and given it up to God and forgiven the people who harmed me in some way.

However, I still don’t go to church but, I read the bible and watch programs on TV and U-tube on Gods word and Christianity and I listen to KLOVE (a positive & encouraging radio station that has stations all over the world); and I try to be kind to my fellow person. Even though that can be really hard sometimes. I screw up but, I ask for forgiveness and the slates wiped clean again. I’m nowhere near perfect  but, God loves me anyway! He knows I am still a work in progress!

 

 

 

 

 

Up to date 2016


Its been a while since I darkened my blogs door way. Its been a long tiring, depressing & painful time. I had back surgery on disks L4-5 & L5-S1  as the disks were leaking quite a lot and the Sciatic pain from the drainage was unbearable.

Finally, after a lot  of rigamarow they did surgery on 08/04/2015 through the front. Since, I am a rather large woman I was in so much pain they had to transfer me to a rehab facility for ten days. As the Headache & Pain center’s hospital is not equipped for more than a day or twos stay.

Then after a lot of continued pain they put a cage around my spine by operating through the back this time on 08/31/15. After another stay at the rehab hospital for a week I was finally able to go home. Unfortunately, because of my size my back got all puffy and would drain small amounts of dark red blood or clear fluid.

One day about two weeks after surgery as I was to cleaning my back wound area with a q-tip & a water & peroxide mix like I was told one of the lower areas on my incision the q-tip went into my back and a Huge amount of fluid and dark blood ran out of my back and totally soiled and saturated my bed. I quickly grabbed a chuck and put it down behind me and another against my back .

As I pushed to put pressure my back to stop the on slot of fluid the rest of my incision opened up and showered me and both chuck’s with bloody fluid it was a mess I dare say. After the on slot slowed to a slow trickle I was able to get up and with my mom’s help get myself cleaned up.

The good news is after the built up fluid was gone I felt so much better. Good thing we had some bandages left from the hospital. My Mom & I estimated that I lost over 2 cups of fluid if not more. As it saturated two chucks 1/3rd of my bed, me my nightgown and a big heap of Kleenex

It took a long while for the wound to close and stay closed because of the constant build-up of fluid. But finally by January 2016 it closed for the final time.

It took me quite a while to get back on my feet after the surgery. However, by April 2016 I was feeling much better. On the downside I did end up with a small amount of nerve damage in my left thigh, ankle and foot/toes. Over time it got better but the damage to the nerves to my toes was affected the most and they still scream in pain from time to time. Mostly its hard to wear a shoe on that foot.

Then wouldn’t you know when I went back to the HA & pain Doctors to check out the results from my neck MRI.(I was having a lot of shoulder & neck  pain). I found out quite quickly that I had a disk in my neck that was pushing into my spinal cord causing me to lose balance to the side. I just thought I was clumsy. The doctor told me that I was in an emergency situation & had to have neck surgery asap or I could be paralyzed. So it was just under a week since I heard the news that I was under the knife again.

Thanks be to God I made it through without an issue. The site healed nicely with no problems and I was able to go home after only one night in the hospital.

So you can see why I have been too busy and in too much pain to write. Now After struggling to no avail for decades I am looking into weight loss surgery to relieve pressure on my back and help with my diabetes. Otherwise, I will just be having one surgery after another till I die.

I Know God will be with me no matter what happens and that gives me strength.

 

 

Sammy the Tasmanian Devil; or cats gone wild!


Sammy the Tasmanian Devil; or cats gone wild!

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Sammy at 6 months

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Sammy at 1-year-old (well a least half of him fits in his cat condo)

Last time I wrote about Sammy he was a little mess (LOL). In to everything just like a toddler. You could not leave a pencil, pen, eraser or anything he could get in his mouth where he could get it. My Mom and I were always missing something! The funniest thing he took was my moms pencil sharpener. Even my mom was amused. I am not sure how he carried it off its too wide to fit in his mouth; but with Sammy most anything is possible.

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BUSTED! Caught red pawed with his treat bag!

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                             If it is a high Sammy is ready to try it out! Sammy can jump over 6 feet straight up and 8 feet if he has a running start.                                                   Never have I seen a cat jump so high!

We don’t dare put anything on top of any of our book cases anymore because my little scamp, Sammy will just push it off and sprawl out!  I spent a good couple of months trying to change Sammy. Then I realized he wasn’t going to change.  He is just super energetic and curious! He is so curious and cognizant of everything that is going on around him that he raises the curiosity bar quite high. I used to consider Sammy a BAD cat because he is so ornery. But he has taught me a lot!

 I started talking to Sammy from the moment I got him and now we have full conversations! LOL And he has a special word/sound he makes just for me. Every time I call him he comes a running and then tilts his head and says mar-mar.  I believe he is trying to say mama because I am always saying ma-ma loves you or trying to get him to say it.

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This is Sammy today my little chunk! LOL

In the picture above Sammy is modeling his Christmas attire. I actually had started putting it on him when he was being especially mischievous. However, that back-fired as he likes wearing it. At least the bells let me know where he is most of the time. My poor mom cannot leave her drink on her desk or anywhere Sammy can get it because he likes to push drinks off places and watch the water or whatever you are drinking run all over the place. He finds water fascinating! He can sit in the sink and watch the water run for a s long as you are willing to leave it on. He does not mind getting wet either. But a bath forget it!

I wish I had more pics catching him being ornery but he’s too quick for me. My mom smartened up & started wedging her water jug in a desk drawer whenever she leaves her room. Now he steals our straws! He does not torment me like he does my mom he is forever giving her grief! I told my mom we could put a latch on the outside of her door so he can’t throw his body against the door  and open it when are gone from the house or she goes out of her room.  Yesterday, mom secured her drink and hid her straw and when she came back he had taken he lid into the living room and dropped it and then he had gone back and taken off with her plastic 7-day pill-box. Now that was a sight-seeing Sammy carrying that cross-wise in his mouth. Sometimes I think he thinks he is a dog!

Speaking of dogs he loves my moms dog Missy. They play together. His favorite thing to do with Missy is bat at her poofy white tail and capture it (Missy’s half  poodle and half something else). Right now my fur ball is asleep on my bed in his bed. I put his bed on the other side of the bed because he likes to sleep with me on the bed. He loves his little bed.

I love Sammy with all my heart mischievous and all. He is affectionate. He always rubs his head on my face when he wants a treat or just some loven. He loves to be scratched behind his ears and on his head. He loves to play especially with the red laser light. Though, he knows I am moving the light because if he does not like where the light is he will come over to me and meow about it.  Lately, Sammy has been waking me up high jumping in the bed and hitting the door and acting all nutty. I finally figured out that he was trying to catch the light that comes through the window when a car goes by. I had blinds and curtains but the light comes from the top and goes across the ceiling. Well if he is awake he goes crazy jumping all around. By the way he does that with bugs too.  If an insect flying or otherwise gets in the house Sammy is on the hunt. Flying across the room trying to get it!

Now, the first time he does his middle of the night acrobatics I shoo him out of the room till it gets light. Just last week Sammy started getting things from his secret stash (that I have yet to find) and will lay on the other side of my door and push items through the half-inch space under the door. Sometimes, I have a whole bunch of stuff on my side of the door. Unfortunately, he wakes me up a lot doing it because you can hear his claws on the bottom of the door. LOL

I’m glad I got Sammy and not someone else because I don’t think everyone would put up with his antics. I however, am amused most of the time by them. I do wish he would stop tormenting my mom. Although, she’s used to his antics now; she doesn’t like the spilling of drinks much and I can’t say I blame her as I don’t appreciate that trick myself! LOL

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           Here’s Sammy at 6 months having just been caught taking off with my artist pencil pouch. He looks so innocent does he not!

Sammy is a lot of things but, there is one thing I think he excels at and that is being cute!

Ever stood in front of the microwave and forgot why you were standing there??


For that matter have you ever opened the fridge door and forgot why you opened it? I have, matter of fact I have closed the fridge door or left from in front of the microwave depending on which one I was doing; and then gone back to my bedroom or wherever I was prior to the microwave or fridge and then I will remember why I was at the microwave or why I had opened the fridge. At times like these I feel like a real idiot! However, the worst is when I am in the middle of something and get distracted and then end up doing something else only to be distracted again by the cat or my mom and start something else. Then later I will notice 2-3 things half done and have to finish them (hopefully before I get distracted again).

Past Examples of things I have left undone would be:

  • turning the washer on and forgetting to put detergent or, softener in and/or leaving the lid up
  • leaving the fridge door open
  • leaving the dishes half done
  • leaving drawers or cabinets open

By now I am sure you are thinking I must be a little senile. My mom says I remind her of an absent-minded professor; because I don’t see the forest for the trees. Unfortunately, I see and hear way to much. My mind just processes things different. You see I believe I have Asperger’s Autism. If you know anything about autism you know that we are overwhelmed a lot by our environment. Me, well I get distracted by all the input. I can be talking about something very serious then see a butterfly or a flower and then I am looking at the butterfly or smelling the flowers and the person I was talking to is left hanging. You have to be quite patient when you are around me.

Since I turned forty, (seven years ago) I also noted a decline in my memory. So, I have to write everything down now. Problem is when I lose where I put the piece of paper! Ha Ha! I try to keep my room organized and everything in its place so, this does not happen but, a lot of the time life or, pain gets in the way. I now have a Calendar that I write all my appointments and important things I have to do on. This helps a lot.

Even with all the bad there are still some good things I have gotten from having autism. I have a heightened sense of smell that tells me when the litter box needs changed, when food is done, and when I need to bathe. I enjoy flowers and outdoors more because of my sense of smell. I also have a strong sense of textures. This can be good and bad. Especially with food, I cannot stand certain food textures. However, I love soft fur,  clothes and blankets. No wool for me or anything that is scratchy. Which also means there are no tags on any of my clothes.

Now you know you are not alone when it comes to being forgetful or needing everything to be in a certain order!

Living with Asperger’s Autism


I was born in September of 1966. Back in those days people had no clue what Asperger’s was. If you were dysfunctional or acted strange you were put in an institution. I have to give my mom a lot of credit here because she never did that to me. When I would have flunked kindergarten my mom convinced the teacher to pass me. My mom and grandmother thought it was because I four years old when I started kindergarten not turning five till the end of September. The truth of the matter was kindergarten had been way too overwhelming for me. I wasn’t used to so much noise, and the lights were way to bright! Nap time was another challenge; by the time we were supposed to lie down I was too keyed up from all the input and would either cry or throw a royal fit. Normally, I was quiet and withdrawn preferring to escape inside my head then deal with school and everyone in it. I don’t remember a lot of my early childhood but I do remember I had no social skills to draw from and my mom was told I was retarded by my kindergarten teacher. But you know I wasn’t and am not retarded. At the tender age of five I could already read a newspaper out loud to my grandmother. I knew my colors and how to count but it took me till I was in third grade to learn the alphabet.
In first, second, third, and fourth grades I had sessions with therapists and tutors sometimes twice a week other times every day. During some of these sessions there were toys piled high on a table in the room and the therapist would watch me play. In other sessions they would just talk to me. In 4th grade my therapy visits were eliminated when I went to the first visit that year and looked at the psychiatrist who was there to evaluate me with another table filled high with toys and said “You want me to play with these toys so you can watch me and see if you can determine what type of therapy I need.” By then I was tired of being evaluated all the time when I played and tired of having to see a therapist. I told the Psychiatrist that I needed a tutor to help me catch up with the other kids; not see a therapist who only further alienated me from the other kids. The psychiatrist said I was fine after that. He also said I was a lot smarter than the teacher’s thought and I was not retarded. I remained in tutoring until the beginning of fifth grade at which time I was caught up with my peers.
My difficulty in school was always related to how I related to things or how I interacted with other children. For the most part I found other children mean. I went through a lot of bullying too, which made k-6 years almost unbearable. By high school I learned to mimic other kids and how they socialized so I did much better.
When I look back on my life and then think about my life now I realize I still suffer from a lot of Asperger’s related issues.
1. Hypersensitivity to noise: (in high school this diminished now a days it’s back with a vengeance) I like quiet and soft light; it bothers me if it is too bright outside.
2. Hypersensitivity to sensations: If I am hot I am extremely hot to the point of getting very fidgety, if I am cold I am freezing. I cannot nor have I ever been able to tolerate tags in my clothes and clothes have to be washed sometimes three times before they are comfortable to me. Certain smells bother me and there are certain foods I cannot eat because of the texture and the texture I can’t tolerate can change on me.
3. Routine: I need a least a day or two to prepare myself for changes and when I work I must have a certain routine to keep my stress level down. I also have to have a certain amount of down time between being at work and not being at work or I panic.
4. Obsessions: I get obsessed easily for instance I watched extreme couponing once and ended up getting a notebook, and dividers and I would go to the recycling centers and collect grocery sacks full of coupons and that’s all I would do from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. The same with scrapbooking. Its like I go through these extreme phases where I eat , breathe and sleep whatever I am obsessed with at the time.
5. Poor social skills: though my social skills have gotten better and I have learned to recognize some facial expressions I still will ask someone if they are mad at me because I read their facial expression wrong. This drives my mom crazy at times. Used to drive my best friend nuts. In-addition I tend to talk before I think and I tend to tell everyone my life story even if I just met them. I also tend to answer a question literally I have no buffers. For instance one of the things that got me into trouble at my last job was because I had an elderly client ask me what the scar on my left forearm was from. Instead of making up something or hedging the question. I told her the truth, that I had tried to commit suicide 20 years ago. I didn’t go into detail that’s all I said but this caused the patient to request another nurse because she was afraid I would get upset and try to commit suicide in her house. Which to me is a really weird reaction as I had never done anything to make her think that and she always requested me prior to that.

Even with all the adversity I have had through my life I keep plugging away. One thing that has helped is my writing whether it be journaling or writing stories it’s the one way I have been able to connect with people without feeling at a disadvantage.